Imagine that place we all have inside us, that dark place. In it lie thick, loamy, rich emotions that when left untouched or unseen calcify. They, you can imagine, vibrate slowly energetically, like rocks versus air. Things like shame, self loathing. Low vibrations. To contrast, take joy: a rarefied, high vibration. Joy’s voice doesn’t growl like loathing; joy sings. I think you can imagine it.
Do you know the doors that yawn open inside you and can bring you down so fast when you cross their thresholds? Those are important to identify. They can be interesting, fecund explorations in kink though certainly all kinky explorations don’t require focus on these places. Honestly, though, I think they do, whether acknowledged or not. After all, power is first experienced when we are most powerless – before birth, in early childhood. How helpless we are then; we must rely on some large, omnipotent yet flawed conundrum of a presence to figure out when we are hungry, thirsty, cold, tired, or have shit ourselves, and to remedy the problem with ever-present compassion and love. When we are not received that way, a gap opens. The self must soothe. That gap can widen, and in it our ways of coping with that void develop. Our life can become a hall full of the doors that lead to these voids. As adults, those are the doors we need to become familiar with. Not ignore them. If we find ourselves fat, miserable, lonely, unhappy, this might be the case.
In our work together, the most important thing we do is to open these doors, peer down in the dark, and holding hands, leap together. Somehow just in doing that, light comes. I think the void unfurls out of loneliness. Experiencing it with someone to hold space and see it with you takes away the power lost. In exchange, it shifts. Potential energy to kinetic.
I’ve been a pro Domme. And am a certified clinical hypnotherapist. These two things weave together in interesting ways.
As a Domme, I got to see sides of people they’d often never let anyone else see. Many showed that side for the first time in their lives. I didn’t slam the door in their faces. I didn’t shame them (unless that was part of the desire, part of the experience). Instead, I gave permission to open up and explore it. To see what was on the other side of that suppressed desire. Sometimes, it was just fun, just play. Lots of times, it was something revealing, something instructive, profound – about our humanity, our potential, our connectedness as human beings. That’s what I love about “taboo” or “kinky stuff”. It’s so universal, stuff we all share. We all have weird things, shaming things. No one is magazine perfect. How audacious to admit that, explore it – so naughty to be a mess. People who know how to feel that “shame”, own it, communicate and share it – with ourselves, with others – have use of a cool tool, a life skill. The great equalizer.
As a hypnotherapist, it was about taking a desire, maybe for more organization or direction or focus in ones life, and relaxing into that desire. Literally, relaxing the thoughts around the desire and letting them go. So to allow the imagination to come in and explore the desire, whatever desire it was. The imagination has a perspective that our thoughts, sometimes directed by anxiety, shame, by fear, just don’t have to deal with. Our imagination can see how it might feel to let the desire come true. Allowing the body, the soul to “remember” what the desire feels like manifested. Training the muscle memory of the soul in a way to get used to feeling lighter, more organized, more focused. So that behaviors begin to increasingly align with the positive feelings. That’s what drives action.
Kink Coaching weaves the essences of those arts together. It is a wonderful to help someone get beneath the blocks that keep the imagination and thoughts/decisions from aligning with positive action. To celebrate successes and get curious about moments when the intention and action aren’t aligned. Not a failure. Get curious. Usually there’s something powerful in those moments, like little packets of energy that are just blocked, unused, and have a different kind of key that opens them.
Food and sex. Two things that, without them, we wouldn’t be alive. Even if one never had sex for the rest of one’s life (good luck with that), it all started with conception. And every day since there’s been an instinctual desire for food to keep it going.
Instincts love habits. Habitual thinking – or, rather, not really thinking (consciously) at all – means that the rest of the brain can be devoted to other things. Our brains are designed to do this. If we don’t have to put much thought into eating, then we can free up the mind’s bandwidth for other things. The idea of fast food plays on this. Those wily marketers know their audience well.
Just think about comfort food It’s got all the ingredients, so to speak – nostalgia/feeling good. High carbs, high fat, high calories. The feelings we want to feel combined with the stuff that we don’t want to eat if we’re trying to lose weight!
So, the usual reaction is to get on a diet. Ditch that comfort food, start eating stuff we should. Options abound for ways to do this: there are weight loss shakes, ready-made meals to pop in the microwave, recipes for low carbs, low fats. The “shoulds” start their snowball effect. So if eating is connected to pleasure, and you take the pleasure out, how long do you think the diet will last?
Learning a new way to cope is the key to changing this process. Finding out the trigger to what makes that old, bad behavior fire off a round. And putting something new in place. Simple as that, but not always easy. Let us dig into your particular reasons for sabotaging your best efforts. There may be more to it than you think, but finding it out isn’t as hard as you might believe. Get started today.
The other day I worked with a client who hadn’t driven on the highway for 30+ years.
One day, decades ago, required a long drive to a stressful situation, while she was carrying very precious cargo (her newborn baby). She knew that her fear of the highway was all bound up in the stress of that visit. What she didn’t know was how to take her ease and effortless driving style on local streets and backroads and convince herself that a freeway was no different. But the upshot – and the reason she needed help – was that this strategy kept her in the passenger seat. Literally and figuratively. So, you might ask, who was driving? Her subconscious!
We are of “two minds” – a conscious and a subconscious. You can think of your mind like a computer. The screen – what we can see – is the conscious mind. It’s there that we see displayed everything we could fit on that screen, the things we can navigate around and click on and create amazing things. The subconscious is everything that it takes to light those liquid crystals inside your screen. Our minds are such finely tuned machines that direct our attention, and there is an enormous amount that we don’t know we know. For the most part, we don’t need to. Normally, we don’t need to think about how to drive down the highway. We just do it, and trust that whatever situation comes up, we’ll be able to negotiate as best we can.
It’s the conscious mind’s job to make decisions and plans based on information the subconscious feeds it. It also rationalizes how we feel, from the subconscious’ reservoir of what we feel. So that drive down the highway that led to danger, and to my client’s decision to never go there again? The decision to protect herself from a harmful situation with her family got all mixed in with the inherent speed and intensity of city highway driving.
Think of ways this kind of thing gets in between you and manifesting your goals. Not so easy to see it on the surface, is it? It can take some digging. But there is a way through.
Aside from our coping mechanisms, the subconscious also holds a wealth of creativity, information, intuition and insight. For the subconscious holds our emotions. We get to choose how to express them – that’s a conscious practice (and like any skill, it takes practice!) Feelings are what drive us, whether or not we know it. Exercises like hypnosis, or writing exercises that get you into the subconscious, can feel like lucid dreaming, where you find yourself in a situation in your imagination with lots of rich detail. This often leads to insight into challenges faced in waking life. Using such tools intentionally and therapeutically gives you access to the particular subconscious pattern from which blocks and issues arise. I like to think of it as aligning your subconscious and conscious mind towards the same goal, instead of going in opposite directions.
So… ask yourself: what things do I do that get in the way of doing what I want?